According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff