If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.