Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
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Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
I mean…but I did
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.