came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…