[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
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♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
this is the greatest thing ever
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Happy thanksgiving
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.