Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Lmao
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.