Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
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Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
me the second it drops below 70 degrees