Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
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If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen