Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
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Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love