Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My biological clock is wheezing.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked