Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name