If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
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My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
kids play hide and seek like
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.