I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*