*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
it be like that
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Cannot stop laughing at this
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.