uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’