Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
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For the baby who has everything
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.