When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again