Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
You Might Also Like
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I think this should do it.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Bed should get ready for ME
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings