“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
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My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Not😆🤣
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.