The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
There are no pants in heaven.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
fr
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money