Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.