website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
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I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I want what they have
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
😅😅😅
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”