As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
You Might Also Like
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
no cat here
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.