I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.