Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
*orders delivery*
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO