Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
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[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.