What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free