I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
There’s never enough good news
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*