Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
fair
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My life in a nutshell
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ