(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.