I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.