Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
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People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Happy Halloween 🎃
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW