Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
You Might Also Like
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.