My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
stop
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Good advice.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
True.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening