My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
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Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.