If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
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Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.