[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
You Might Also Like
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Oh. My. God.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.