“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
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This trial is so absurd 😭
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.