Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
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Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome