Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.