If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
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Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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