“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
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My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”