Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
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We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
can’t talk my ride’s here
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Huge, if true.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.