Breakfast for Stoners:
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Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up