*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Me, flirting😏
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol