Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
You Might Also Like
My blood type is coffee.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.