Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
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My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Britain be like
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.