I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
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Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”