i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hank is one in a melon.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh