Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I have questions??
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.